Reflections of Mexico Loneliness and Solitude
September 4- 20 2021
Okay, I’m going to start unpacking Mexico with a topic that came up many many times during my travel. Loneliness and Solitude. In fact, if I had to pick a topic to describe this Mexico trip it would be just that. To be honest, If I don’t give it much thought the two can almost sound synonymous to me, or at the very least close in meaning.
When I got on the plane I sat next to a man. I was in the middle seat he was in the seat next to me towards the window. I was so so sleepy, it was an overnight flight and I couldn’t find a proper way to fall asleep. The man noticed and offered to let me sleep on him. I accepted, I know it sounds odd, “Wendy, what were you thinking?” But I was tired and the man was nice. So I fell asleep on this stranger’s shoulder.
When I landed I ordered an Uber. It was still late in the night/ morning and it was dark out. But my driver was wide awake and charismatic. He told me how he liked to drive, it was a passion of his, and he liked meeting people in his drives and sharing conversation with them. He told me about his life. He had a dog and he was single, he had been so for a very long time. He told me that one of people’s greatest fears is being lonely. I questioned him on this, but his answer was something equivalent to “yes, of course, didn’t you know?” No, I didn’t, I always thought it was spiders or heights or the dark or something, I kid, I kid. Loneliness is a very real fear.
During my stay, I was able to visit two homes designed by Mexican architect Luis Barragan, the first being Casa Gillardi, and the second Luis Barragan’s studio/ home space. The topics of loneliness and solitude were brought up during both of these visits. Luis Barragan was known for designing with solitude in mind, it was part of a philosophy he carried. Famously quoted “Only in intimate communion with solitude may man find himself. Solitude is good company and my architecture is not for those who fear or shun it.”
In conversation with the man who lives in Casa Gillardi. I recall him mentioning how people fear loneliness, in a very similar fashion to that of my Uber driver. Still, I questioned this, really? Fearing loneliness? The response was similar to the driver’s. Neither really went in-depth as to why, it was more of “it’s an obvious fear, who wants to be lonely?” which is probably very true. Who wants to be lonely?
I’ve had the opportunity to travel alone in my life and I very much enjoy the experience. I get to pick where I want to go, I’m able to meet new people and have beautiful conversations. I get to explore and get lost in my thoughts and walk around, treat myself. I, to a certain extent enjoy my solitude. But I also enjoy sharing my travel experiences with friends, the warmth of familiarity and companionship in a new place. And being able to share those moments with people I love. It’s a balance, if I had to pick which one I prefer I’m not sure I would have the answer, I like both in their own way.
Last year I found myself leaving a 10-year relationship. And I was single for the first time in my adult life. My friend Kenrick once asked me, would I rather be single or in a relationship. My answer, I would want to have a healthy relationship with someone I could see as a life partner. That has always been my desire. But, I would prefer being single if the alternative was being in a less-than-ideal situation.
I’ve reflected a lot in moments in my life that I have been in company and felt lonely and moments where I’ve been in solitude and felt in good company. But what I haven’t experienced much of are moments when solitude and loneliness become one. This, to me, is not a good place to be in, and one I’ve been mindful of. I have experienced moments like this in my life and they were not pleasant.
Back to Mexico, I found myself stumbling upon stories of solitude through the people I met. And even feeling my own solitude when I accidentally took myself to a haunted stories interactive exhibition in the dark and found myself quite literally enduring the fear BY MYSELF. Terrifying. Did I close my eyes and my ears most of the way through? Most definitely, yes.
Towards the end of my trip, I found myself in the most bizarre experience. This was brought up by a conversation and led to an unexpected release of emotion, an emotion that quite literally drained me for the rest of the trip. Loneliness, even the memory of it, can be heavy.
The last part of my trip was my cousin’s wedding in Cancun. I had the opportunity to stay longer in Cancun as some of the guests were not able to make it and their rooms had already been paid for. And it was a tempting offer, something about the ocean was a healing experience, just getting swept by the waves with no real control over anything, it brought me peace. But I knew I had to get back, and address loneliness and heal myself and that I could only do this in the solitude and comfort of home.
I wish I was a better writer and could end this in a more eloquent way, but that’s it, Loneliness and solitude. Mysteries of life.
